busy... busy... busy... my fingers hurt from typing.

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have posted...

I feel like I haven't stopped typing about myself and our lives in the past two weeks! We are almost finished with all of our homestudy documents. The questionnaire is now 34 pages and we still have about 6 questions to finish. Then I need to revise and check it all like an English teachers since most of it has been answered very "stream of consciousness". We are still waiting for a little bit of paperwork to come in the mail... previous marriage licences, Mr. D.'s college transcripts... etc... and we still need to do to the city jail to be fingerprinted. Then, we will take a 5 hour road trip to far of small town to drop off this tick binder of info. Then... we wait for the actual homestudy visit.

In the past two weeks we have told our families and many of our friends what our plans are. They have all been very supportive and are very excited for us. I have spent hours in my traditional OCD type A personality googling baby furniture and cloth diapers... but there is no way I have the guts to actually purchase anything... I guess that is what infertility does to you. Mr. D. and I also ventured into the mysterious Babies!RUs to see what all the fuss is about... and honestly I almost had an anxiety attack. I was totally overwhelmed. So I think I will wait until we are a little closer to an actual child before I make actual purchases.

There are 12 days of school left and then Mr. D. and I will get out of town around June 4h for our annual vacation. We are going to visit my mom in North Carolina and then back to the beach condo for a restful week. I start teaching again on June 19th... I am directing a theatre camp for 10 days and then teaching technical theatre a a different camp until July 10th... so the first half of my summer will be very busy.. which is why we wanted to get all this paperwork stuff done before school is out.

OK... That is my update for now. I am off to work a 14 hour day at school for the next two days because we have our final performances of the year the next two nights!

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.

A brand new type of day 1...

Today we signed and mailed out our first adoption paperwork and sent in our first $1500 to Agency #1... the small agency 5 hours away. We are now working on all the homestudy paperwork and gathering all the financial records and all the other stuff that you have to do. My fingers are tired from typing up all the homestudy questions the last few days but I wanted to check in and let you know that we are officially in a line.

I am planning a longer post later this week... but I just wanted to check in and make a little "record" of our lovely morning.

On the way to work I stopped at the CVS for a pregnancy test... watch one line appear as I drove to the post office and mailed in this first step... and that was the very beginning.

Making room for new dreams...

We are signing with an adoption agency this week. It is becoming more real every day... we are working on home study questions and I have begun to pull together the mounds of paperwork that will hopefully prove that we are worthy to love and raise a child of our own.

There will be more about the whole process to come. But for the last few days there has been something on my mind. I feel like it is time I let some dreams go to make room for new moments... so with you as my witnesses I am going to say goodbye to a few dreams that I have had for myself. Although we never know what the future holds... for now I am letting these things go so they can be replaced by new dreams that perhaps I have never even thought of

Goodbye to the dream of...

Watching the two pink lines appear on the pregnancy test

Getting to be the one that lets Mr. D. in on the secret that we are expecting a baby.

Having the first ultra sound and having Mr. D. hold my hand while we hear our babies heart beating for the first time.

Telling our parents in some uber-creative way that they are going to be grandparents... mine for the first time.

Announcing on my blog that I am pregnant and having all my reader friends congratulate me and support me through the scary parts.

Standing in front of the thousands of pregnancy books at Barnes and Nobel trying to figure out which one or three or ten to buy.

Finding out what "pregnancy pops" actually taste like.

Having my husband baby me like crazy and tell me not to lift things.

watching my baby bump grow each day.

Showing people my utrasound pictures of my little blob!

Craving weird foods and trying to guess what that means for the baby growing inside me.

Bitching about all my pregnancy symptoms.

Putting a pregnancy ticker on my blog.

Shopping for super cute maternity clothes with my mom.

Feeling the first flutters of movement in my belly.

Having Mr. D. touch my belly to feel our baby.

Having strangers want to rub my tummy.

Finding out the gender of our baby and picking out nursery colors based on a sonogram.

Having people want to be nice to me just because I am pregnant, swollen and grumpy.

Random people sharing their birth stories with me.

Drinking some sort of sticky orange flavored stuff and taking blood tests.

Having a 3D ultrasound.

Having a baby shower wearing a cute blue or pink maternity dress and balancing my plate on my tummy while people guess how huge I am with squares of toilet paper.

Going to classes to teach you how to breathe.

Looking at Mr. D. and saying "I think it's time..."

Joining the millions of women who have birthed a child and joining " the club."

Being proud of myself that my body "did what it was designed to do".

Having my baby place on my chest immediately after being born and sobbing.

Mr. D. cutting the cord.

Looking down at our child and saying "she looks just like.... (me, you, my mom, your niece..." )

I am saying goodbye to the fantasies today. I am officially making room for new things to come into my life.

*** I know that many of these things may seem unpleasant or mundane to many of you who have had a child... please please don't feel the need to say things like "maternity clothes never fit well" or "you are so lucky not to have to go through morning sickness"... because actually I wanted every single one of the experiences that come from being pregnant... good and bad. Those are the moments that you are somehow being prepared to become a mother... moments where your body is reminding you of what is to come... moments where you feel the life growing inside you. It is very sad for me to give up these moments and I grieve them. But, we are making the decision and the choice to move past that pain and step toward creating our family in a different way.

Thanks for being my witnesses.

What would you choose?

Update... OMG! You have got to check out my comments to this one. I can't imagine what in the world set this woman off... but wow... I haven't had a troll like this is a loooong time. It always surprizes me when people who don't know me, my relationships, my family, and my religious beliefs find is so easy to judge me. I know I put my thoughts and feelings out in the world... so I have to be prepared for people to comment... but holy shit... does anyone deserve to be so harshly judged as this "christian" woman has done to me?... especially on a subject so benign as this one.

So... Here goes... Whatever lady. You don't know me or my life and certainly not my relationship with God. As a 24 year old very fertile woman you have never experienced the pain and frustration that I have to endure over almost 5 years of infertility. Someday, when life is crashing down around you you will remember this moment of callousness and hurtfulness that you caused with your "Godly" words of wisdom and you will whisper an apology to the fertile woman out there who you judged with your fundamentalist hatefulness... because as the bible reminds us... you will reap what you have sewn today. Someday, maybe soon, you will remember your words and regret them. And I want you to remember at that moment, when you are in despair over whatever karma hands to you, that on this day... I forgave you... because I am a Christian and the loving, generous, faithful, and kind God I believe in would want me to.

Please don't ever post here again.



How do people make this decision??? Can you help me think?

Agency #1
small agency - 5 hours away

No one has ever had to wait more than 12 months for their baby

semi-open... (updates to birth mother but no identifying info unless both parties agree)

agency matches parent and birth mother... birth mother does not choose

You get a call when there is a baby available... once the baby is born...

baby may be mixed race, Hispanic, or Caucasian with possible drug use or smoking during preg.

Takes on only 10 couples at a time... so it is more of a "numbers game" When you are in the #1 slot you are basically in line for the "next baby".

Agency believes that God will provide the "right" baby for the parents

You are given the "right" to turn down a child if you don't feel it is the baby for you... no penalty... you stay in the #1 slot until you get a child.

$19,750 flat fee for adoption... "as long as that takes"


Agency #2
huge agency in large city 20 minutes away

18 - 24 month wait

open adoption - encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the birth mother

birth mother chooses parents.... through photos, information, & interviews

You can be chosen by the birth mother at any time... "go through pregnancy" with the birth mother

You must be open to (a) a baby that is full African American (B) documented drug use in birth mother, or (C) documented mental issues with one birth parent... if you are open to 2 of the above you may get a child sooner

Has "many" waiting families... you wait until a birth mother chooses you.

If you choose not to accept a child at birth then you have to wait until another birth mother chooses you

$150 interview fee, $400 adoption classes, $1200 home study fee, $17,000 adoption fee + any medical expenses that the birth mother may have (if uninsured and not on medicaid.)

I need advice... I am so scared to be "lost" in a big agency just out for $$$$ but I am scared of "scams" that you hear about from smaller agencies. I have had Lawyer Jen check out both agencies and both seem to be on the up and up and free of complaints file against them (I lourve you Jen!!!)

If anyone lives in my North Texas area and has experience with adoption please leave me a message about what you did... or I would be happy to send you the web addresses and let you check out the sites (I just didn't think it was a good idea to post it here.)

Love to everyone. Sorry I have been so quiet... just making plans and doing a little research... plus March is my craziest time at work!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Tragic

This morning about 15 miles from my house a mother threw her two children off an overpass into oncoming morning traffic and then jumped... I am sure it will be all over the news tonight. Right now they are saying all three survived... but their condition is unknown at this time.

It is horrifing.
I am so sick about it.

How can a mother do this?

I want children so bad and someone out there, 15 miles from my house, doesn't.

why?

Why? Why? Why?

WHY???